


incandescence

by erysikhthon



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Crazy Azula, F/F, F/M, Gen, Heroine's Journey, Multi, Transformation, idk???
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 14:49:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3414692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erysikhthon/pseuds/erysikhthon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being defeated by Katara and locked in a mental institution, Azula goes through a little soul-searching of her own, with the help of the Gaang and her friends. There is slight language and semi-graphic depiction of mental illness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	incandescence

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't think that the way the Gaang treated Azula in the comics was like their characters, or very sensitive towards her illness. I thought they would be a little more considerate, especially since Zuko had gone through the same type of process and grown. So, I came up with my own version. It's very open-ended, and I have no plans for how the story will go. I hope you all enjoy it! And please leave comments, I'd really like to improve :)

Being stuck in prison makes you do a lot of thinking. A lot of introspection. A lot of screaming at the walls and at your mother and at Zuzu and the whole fucking Fire Nation and Mai, at Ty Lee.

I am better than them. I was bred to be the best. I am exceptional at everything I do.  
What am I now that I’ve failed?

Don’t cry sweetheart, don’t let them see. The guards laugh at me if they see. Dragons don’t cry anyway, they breathe fire-

It snaps to my attention again that I can’t firebend. Stuck in the cooler.  
Here I was hoping that I could at least set myself on fire, if not someone else.  
If I was a good enough firebender, I would be able to bend anyway.   
Forget that thought. I am not weak. I am not Zuko -but why am I here and he is ruling the nation- I am not showing emotion. I am in control.

That’s it. Look at the ceiling.

Time to meditate. Of course, there’s not much else to do here. And I feel like Uncle is lecturing me over his shoulder, that stupid old man. But it’s better than remembering.

She keeps haunting me. Mocking me. The monster doesn’t feel. The monster only hurts.  
I bet they all gather around dinner and laugh at me like a caged bear. I’ll show them.

No. Hush. Breathe in and out. Breath is the basis of firebending. I need to keep it sharp so when I get out of here, when I convince them that I’m not dangerous, that I’m not crazy, I can burn them all.

I can burn that Water Tribe girl and her stupid brother. I can burn Mother. I can watch the other half of Zuko’s face melt away. I can almost smell the scent of burning flesh. I like to imagine its Father more than anyone these days.  
It’s easier to blame him than admit it was me too. He promised and he let me down.  
I try to imagine burning Mai and Ty Lee. I can’t. I only remember them leaving me at Boiling Rock. Since when did I miscalculate? Since when was I the one being betrayed?  
They let me down-

The door opens.  
  
Tense up. The enemy is here. Don’t let them find any weakness. My hands are cuffed behind my back but I still curl my hands into fists. I am shaking too much to keep my fighting stance.

It’s Zuko. Of course. Sweet little Zuzu, visiting his sister that he locked in prison. What a good boy. No wonder Mother liked him better.

“Hi.”

“I would set you on fire if I wasn’t in the cooler, you know.” What can I say? We were taught to fight, not make conversation.  
The guards are with him. That’s right, keep them there. Be afraid. I am the dragon. He sends them away. “I’d like some privacy with my sister.” Once they leave, He stands there examining me, like I’m a child, like I’m a freakshow.

I guess I am both of those things.

“You’re hurt. You always find a way, don’t you? You always have.” He lets out a dry, nervous chuckle. I try to keep glaring at him but I am shaking too much and I fall down. I cannot let him see me like this. I can’t. “Let me help you,” He says. “Let me take care of you.”

I want to answer yes but the words twist themselves on the way out like the first time I tried to direct lightning and instead it’s just incoherent screaming. I want him to leave. I can’t tell if I am scared of him or me.

He jumps up and backs away. Don’t try to feed the animals, Zuzu.

“Your family wants you home. Just.. don’t hurt us. We want to help. But I can’t let you out unless you promise not to hurt anyone. You’ve tried enough.” At the last sentence, his voice twists into the hateful sarcasm that I’m used to.

Much better. I’m not a wounded animal.   
Wounded animal. Let’s fake that. At least it will get me out of here. Then I can set them all on fire. I gaze at him with wide eyes. I wish I knew how to cry on command. A small part of really means it when I say, “Help me.”

Zuko nods and stands up, offers me his hand. Two months here and a lot of thrashing have made me weak. There are bruises on my wrists and my knuckle.

It’s embarrassing having to lean on him. It’s a sign of weakness. But then again, so is the crazy. **  
**

“How much paperwork do you have to do to get me out, Zuzu? Is it really worth it?” My throat is raw from screaming and unused otherwise. But it is a little sister’s solemn duty to tease her brother. Besides, I want to see him squirm.  
“Being Firelord has its perks.” He reminds me. Rubbing in my face how close I was to being him. Can I just set him on fire now?

 ****I don’t know if I feel truly at peace at that moment or if it’s the exhaustion. It’s nice. Like after a day spent training.

\-------

The peasants are staring at me. What happened to the litters? Those hid me. I liked those. It feels like there are bugs crawling down my back. The sun is too hot. Maybe the bugs can sense the weakness in me and are trying to crawl inside. Where are we heading?

Oh no. Oh no no no not the palace. Not home sweet home.  
Grit my teeth. Glare at the peasants. Regain composure. I am a queen.

Is Zuko trying to rub it in my face?

We enter the palace, and I resist the urge to scream. Mother’s face flashes by on the surface. It feels too familiar. I am slipping here.

“You’re not going to stay here. It will only make things harder.” That was so obvious that I don’t deign to respond to that. What a thoughtful Firelord! I’m so glad the nation is in his hands. “It helped me a lot when I was away from home. I saw how things were outside of the Fire Nation. How real people act.”

“I’m not you, Zuzu.” I say more out of instinct than anything. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want the prize dangled in front of my face. Not like an animal. “I can take it.”

“I don’t want to be near you. It will just make you more upset.” Nice save, Zuzu. “Do you want to be around people?”  
That much I know for certain. “No.” I stopper the stream of pleading that tries to trickle out of my mouth. I don’t want them to laugh at me. The people. Stop shaking. Straighten your back. Set your jaw and try to immolate him with your eyes. I know how to intimidate better than anything.

“Then I’m going to send you to the Southern Water Tribe. It’s the most desolate place where I can keep an eye on you.”

“I don’t-”

“Azula, don’t even try this. It’s the best place for you. I’m Firelord, but I have to keep favor with the council. You know this. They’re even giving me a time limit. You’ve got to get better soon. I don’t want to keep you locked up in there forever.”

He’s treating me like a baby again. I swallow the urge to maim him and instead say, “Of course. I don’t want to get in your way.” He stops walking and glares at me. Maybe the sarcasm was too strong?

“Thanks for doing this.” I mutter. Perfect. I do mean it, in a way. Most importantly, he seems mollified. I’m already changing for the better, Zuko! You and Mother must be so proud.

I look down at my shoes. Step on the cracks, hope my mother’s back is the least of her problems. Serves them right. Don’t look at everyone looking back at you. Gaping at the wild beast, with her tangled hair and beaten down posture.

“If you aren’t taking me, who is?” Please not that stupid Water Tribe girl. I can take living in the backend of civilization, but not with that bitch lecturing me. Threatening me. Gloating.

“Katara and her brother have.. offered.” He waits for my usual angry retort, I think. When he gets nothing, he continues. “I know it’s not the best idea-” What an understatement. “-But everyone else I can trust to keep an eye on you is busy. Toph is with her parents, and you don’t want to live with some Earth Kingdom nobles. Uncle is in Ba Sing Se. Aang and I are drowning in politics.”

“What about Mai and Ty Lee.” Or am I another part of your checklist, thrown to the ends of the earth and left to waste away? Do you even actually care?

“Mai.. I need her here.” His voice twists into embarrassment. “For strictly political reasons. She’s helping me learn the ropes.” It gives me a small amount of pleasure to know that makes him uncomfortable. But not enough to balance out the remembrance of her betrayal.

“Ty Lee wants to help. She’s taking leave from the Kyoshi Warriors to stay with you wherever you go.”

“What if I don’t want her?” I do, don’t send her away. No, I need to learn to be independent. I can’t let someone break me down that way again.   
He doesn’t even answer me. I have to resist the urge to shoot fire past his face. Thankfully, a bubbly pink blur cartwheels right up to me.

“Ooo, Azula! I’ve missed you so much!” She gives me a tentative hug, like she’s afraid that I’ll bite her. Which, frankly, I am considering. But her eyes are sparkling and once she sees I won’t snap at her, she perks back up. “Alright. Let’s get you a bath! Then we can plan our trip!”

“Bye, Zuzu. Say hi to Mai for me.” I try to make it sound cheeky, but it only sounds desperate.

He’s already turned away when I try to see his reaction, giving various orders.

\-----

“I don’t want to get into the water! Get her away from me!”

“I don’t have to be there, Azula. I just wanted to help. Can you bathe yourself? I can send the servants away.” Ty Lee is wringing her hands like an old maid.

“It’ll freeze. I can’t melt it, it will just freeze my hands. Mother will see me. They’ll laugh. They-” I point at the servants. “Can’t see me this way.”

“It’s okay, Azula! I’ll send them out.” She stage whispers to them to leave, then pops back around and grins. “I’ll heat up the bath. Your mom isn’t here, don’t worry! Can I stay?”

Well, I can’t kick her out when she sounds so sad. “Just don’t touch me.”

It feels nice to clean my hair. It’s grown back to an even length. I pretend to rub off the bruises like they’re bits of dirt stuck to my skin. Patches of weakness. It only makes them hurt more, but maybe that’s the price it takes to be strong again.  
The heat feels nice, too. I feel the fire grow in my body again.

“Can I bend? Just a little flame, to heat up the water.” Not quite a lie. Most of what I say has a negligible bit of truth.

“Well.. I don’t know if I should let you, but okay, Azula. I’ll chi block you if you try to hurt anyone.” Her eyes seem sorrowful at this last sentence. Another reminder of when she did the same thing. At least she feels guilty, which is probably more than Mai feels.

Get rid of her. She can’t hurt you in here. She is probably carousing with Zuzu right now, anyway.

I sink into the bath and try to pretend that I’m not terrified of seeing Mother in the mirrors, or that I’m afraid of the water freezing me into place again. I pretend that I am a princess again, the heir to the Fire Nation.

 


End file.
